Friday, October 28, 2005
Something is bothering me...Something nagging inside me...
Probably that explains why I kept having tis uneasiness feeling inside me, causing me to slack & mopped myself in that draggy feeling the whole day instead of studying for my exam.
The paper is on wed & I only manage to complete 2 chap out of 10...Arghh....Am I going to complete my revision in time?
Wat is wif me tis semester? Too slack already...*tsk...tsk* *shake head*
Better buck up oh evan, the 1st paper on wed is already a big flop....
Wish I dun get myself so bother by the matter, such a small issue, it's not such a big deal for me to fuss oh.....but...but.....juz wish that feeling will just go away.....
How long will you stay dwelling in misery of ur lost love? 2 wks? 1 mth? or maybe a yr?
I think definately not for a year....Some guys may claim to their then gf that she is the only one that he will love, & if she is gone already, he will nv love again...
But maybe even b4 u can even finish saying the word "hippopotamus", he already got another gal round his arms. Guys!!! totally unbelievable...
I have seen enough cases to prove the above statement.
But of coz, i know that people should always look ahead & move on with their life after setback in their life or in relationship....that is how life works...
People move on carrying heartache & fond memories with them, feelings gradually change, then 1 fine day, they find the heavy baggage of heartaches gone & replace with a weightless load of happiness & bliss in their life, that is probably you have found someone to ease ur pain with new love, care & concern.
I do believe that heartbroken people need to find new love b4 they will walk out from that past.
Able to accept a new love again means that you have finally let go off the past & embrace the present & future coz you dare & is able to love someone again...
But whether you will treat the new relaionship as a rebound, that is another seperate issue.
For some, a new relationship makes them realise what they had been missing all this while & know that they had truly found the right one for them, maybe someone who cherish them more then their ex. But for some, only through the new relationship then it knock some sense into them for their greatest loss....
Tats life...you win some, you lose some.....
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ScRawLeD by :: EvAnGeLiNe ::
@9:29 PM
Saturday, October 22, 2005
3 more days to my 1st paper---International Finance & my preparation is not even half-way complete...ARGHHHHH!!!!! SCARY!!!!!
HOW???? The clock is juz ticking away....
There is so much theories to memorise, but even after I study 1 chap, I will forget the previous one I studied before...How ah?? It's so frustrating....
How to crammed all these notes into my punny, extremely space limited brain???
Haizzz....I miss dear dear, who is attending his frens wedding now....miss going out to have fun...miss relaxing on my bed with nothing to do....
Haizz but all these are impossible & out of reach until 3 weeks later.....
Sianzzzz....
Somebody Save Me!!!!
S.T.R.E.S.S
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ScRawLeD by :: EvAnGeLiNe ::
@8:33 PM
Sunday, October 16, 2005
It's the 3rd month already....
Though it's juz a short period of time, but it seems like we have been together forever...
The comfortable feeling I experienced whenever I'm with you, the happiness & blessed feeling while thinking of your love for me, the sweet, sweet feeling while thinking of you.
Gosh..Dear Dear you have such a special effect on me & you always makes me feel so special.
We started off as a total stranger, living in 2 complete different world.
When did our path begin to cross then?
Maybe if not for the steamboat dinner on the 15th June, we will never get to talk to each other despite working together for the last 8 days. I almost did not make it for that dinner date @ 1st, but I'm glad I did not, otherwise I may be missing out a the greatest deal of my life. hee hee...
If we did not get to talk, then maybe today the 16th would juz be another ordinary day to us.
Thus, I like to indulge in the fantasy that my abba father had these great plans for us already & that is why cupid strikes.
Another month has passed & YES!!! we are another month closer to our dream.
Though the road towards our future is long & sometimes it may be bumpy, but I'm glad that we are enjoying the process & the grace of our Lord will see us through all worse time.
Juz wanna tell Dear Dear that I love you & thank you for being there for me all these time together. It's my honour that you share ur world & dreams with me...I'm simply falling head over heels for you everyday.
If I had never met you,
I wouldn't like you,
If I had never liked you,
I would have never loved you,
If I had never loved you,
I'd never miss you.
But I did, I do and I will...
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Sweet Gesture is :
~ "Tao-paoing" dinner for us when we are working late in sch
~ Popping by my school unannounced with food for us
~ Meeting me @ 9 plus in the night throughout the week when I was rushing proj deadline, juz to company me for dinner, even though it was juz for an hour
~ Allowing me to go ahead with some plans, even though deep down you do feel jealous about it
~ Surprising me by appearing @ my house unannounced & double surprising me with a rose
~ Attempting to help me fix my door lock, though it isn't successful yet
~ Buying rocher for me again, coz u dun wanna me to go hungry in sch
~ Cooking dinner for me last sat (8th Oct 05)
~ Bringing me home (= meet ur parents) right from the start of the relationship & willing to meet my parents too.
~ Ur growing love for me
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ScRawLeD by :: EvAnGeLiNe ::
@10:06 PM
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Would like to used this entry today to extend apology & give thanks....
Extend my most sincere apology to frens whom I have hurt with my words....
But once again, I would juz like to clarify that what ever written in the past entries is a very general remark that I would usually conclude after seeing certain things happen in my life repeatedly. For eg. I maybe facing a same situation during sec sch & almost a decade later, I find myself back in the same circle. I'm not finding faults @ any specific person or a specific issue.
I think my words are being misunderstood, but as diff people have diff interpretation on a same issue, thus misunderstanding arise.
But since it's a misunderstanding, then it means that neither party is @ fault on any part.
But still I would like to clear the stale air & say SORRY!
Another thing is expressing my most earnest "THANK YOU to Grace Wai Lai Kuen"!
Thank you Grace, really never,never expect you to tell Cheryl aabout the blog entry.....
So thankful to you for helping us clear the air....If there is a much more stronger word than Thank U, I would definately used it, but for now, you just got to be contented with that word hee..hee...
Really nv expect to recieve a sms from Cherly asking me to go read my mail....
Bracing myself for the worst, while retriving my mail....
But things juz simply turn out well, well things could nv become worse under God's grace & blessing rite?
So glad that the air is cleared, Thank You Cheryl, for taking the 1st step to clear the misunderstanding.
The biggest thank you should go to my Abba Father & Lord Jesus....
What more can I say? What could be impossible under you? How can your work be anything but beautiful & perfect?
Seeing more & more God's perfect work in my life, & tis dawn on me...
Christian life is not that hard as I used to thought....Juz have to place my faith in Him & be @ rest.... I guess it is nv too late to realise tis now....
Juz let me continue to bath in His blessing & favours, & with His guidance through my walk of life & of coz dear dear help too....I will continue to prosper abundantly in life. Amen!
God is Good!!! WoooooooHooooooo.......
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ScRawLeD by :: EvAnGeLiNe ::
@7:47 PM
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Haven't been blogging very regularly lately, there is so much inside me which I wanna pen down, but sometimes I juz can't find the right words to express it out, otherwise I'm just plain lazy....
Looking back @ this semester....I should say plenty had happened....
Started a new relationship...new things to learn,things that I got to accustomed to, change of lifestyle...blah blah....
Things were not so smooth-sailing in the beginning, being hurt by his past, my past & a bitch..but guess I did overcome it.
All these may not be healthy for a new, growing relationship but by the grace of Jesus we were deliver from this darkness & growing stronger as the days goes.
Really thank the Lord for blessing Chris into my life.
Dear you have really been a great support to my life for the past few months, in my social life, in my christian walk and school life. Being pamper by you, being love by you, being care by you....U simply light up my life.....Other than saying "Thank You" & devoting myself to love you, I guess there is nothing else I could do.
Juz the beginning of this semester, can I say I had lost a good fren?
I really dun know how things turn out to this state...we juz stop contacting each other, stop going bs & sunday svc together, stop toking in sch....
I missed her presence in my life....missed catching-up with her over meals....
Guess it's my fault, being indecisve, not handling matters well enough
But I did try to sms her, apologise her & msn her....Juz nv recif any reply fm her...
Hurt & tired of trying too hard for now....
I juz wanna tell her, regardless if she ever forgive me...."I'm Sorry, Cheryl. Miss U!"
Gained financial independant...if u know what I mean....It means having to settle all my bills by myself now, after ending the previous relationship...
Maybe I shouldn't had rely too much on him in the past..but anyway...
Really feel so bogged down by all the bills that come in every month
Had been working on-off tis semester, but with the horrendous project work load, it doesn't leave me much time anyway...
The peanuts I recif isn't enough for all this at all.....
Arghhhh...when will I clear those debts?????
I wonder why do I always experience some problems with friends?
Am I too sensitive? Think too much? Or I really do got attitude problem that I dun find favours in friendship?
I do not want to try too hard in pleasing everyone, but I juz want someone to be brutually honest to me & smack the truth to my face & tell me WHAT THE HELL IS THE PROBLEM?
Hate the feeling of being left out...But am I really left out or I just refuse to join in?
If ppl do not like me, I rather they tell that straight to me, than pretend to be friendly to me....Coz it juz keeps me guessing all the time..& all this guessing is driving me nuts.
Juz what is wrong? I really wanna know the answer...Why I can't I do a better job in understanding myself to spare myself all this misery.
Never have I had close good frens..& never will I have one....coz I juz sux in handling any relationship.
Old frens like William had often said that I had mature & grown to be a happier person....Yes its true...but the old me is still inside...inferior complexity, pessimestic....
Gosh....been pinning so much inside me recently....tired of putting up a strong front...
I may put up a sbc attitude all the time, but in fact I'm tearing into pieces inside me..... Everything really matters to me...
Juz feel like giving up everything now....wanna run away...contemplating with the idea of quitting school....
Suddenly I feel that I'm back to square one again....In 2003, I decided to break away frm work, friends & other issues by going to study as I wanna a clean break from that past.....& today I too wanna have a break from everything assoicated with my school life....Juz wanna get away from it....Otherwise, I can't wait to graduate, so that I can disappear from the face of that world...
The only thing I can do now is drown myself with vodka.......drown...drown...drown
Lord, I know there is nothing I can do with all this, it's all not within my control, the more I try, the more I fail...& the last thing I can do now is pray & cast all this to you....but Lord if you hear my prayer....can you just take me away from this world & bring me back to my Father's home? Coz this willl definately solve every single problem, as the root problem will be removed...
The root problem is me, my thots, my personality, my views & my attitude......
I'm tired.....
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ScRawLeD by :: EvAnGeLiNe ::
@9:25 PM
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Today entry is dedicated to William Yaw Wai Lian (haha..I know he love me calling him tis way)
(who left Spore today)
Yesterday meet him in the evening for dinner... had jap food again, that is what we usually have when we meet up for meal, but this will probably be for the last time.
After dinner, decide to pop over to Kbox to satisfy my ktv-ing craving....
Halfway thru the session, both of us realise that we have not go for ktv together for a long, long time already...hmmmmm was it abt 2 years?
Haizzz but I never regret missing those time.....you know why? Coz William can't read chinese character...thus I got to read out the lyrics to him verses by verses..trust me..it is very tiring..at the end of the session, my mouth is tired not with all the singing but with those speed reading..haha...
But I must say, I really did had a great time there, singing cute, cute songs by Wang Fu and many other super high high songs haha....
After ktv session, drop by his place for a drink as well to collect the moo-moo cow he got for me & a few bottles of wine...hee hee now my collection is really growing..
1 thing I must say is that Cabernet Shiraz really dun suit my palate. 2nd time I'm drinking this & I really think it does taste Yucky!!
Catch up alot too that night....many, many things that he once kept it from me was shared.
Maybe he does feel that he might not be coming back, so might as well bare everything to me.
I learned a lot that night....makes me sad...make me feel bad...makes me feel guilty...makes me happy...makes me touched..makes me thankful.
Sad that you are leaving & I wun be able to see & tok to u as & when I like.
Feel bad that I can't give you anything in return for your love, concern, care, time, effort put in me.
Feel guility that for so long you have always been there for me but I never realise it, but think you had forsaken me.
Happy that what a true friend I have found in you.
Touched for the love, the things you done for me.
Thankful for befriending you & you always standing by me.
William...William....what can I say?
It all started off with a chat outside at the terrace on Oct 2002, followed by a phone call that night...when did we become close friends i dun quite remember? when did I start liking you I oso dun rem...
What I rem now is the time when the both of us were promoted to jr captain the same time, you had helped me alot, guiding me thru & always helping me with the big tray & heavy stuff.
Becoz of my injured wrist, you will always help me carry those heavy stuff or get the other colleague to help me...& you will always, always throw daggers @ me when seeing me carry heavy stuff .
Rem 23rd Dec 2002? Like you always say, it is definately the most 'suayest' day of my life. But so thankful that you came to shield me away from the 'xiao cha bo' who was barking @ me, when I was not @ fault, thank you for searching me high & low around the hotel when I ran away crying. Feel sad enough that I was wrongly reprimanded, & accused of not being a good supervisor coz I did not teach my staff well by that tooo-pid guest...But thank you for comforting me over dinner. but as u rem..my ordeal was far fm over...I trip & fell @ the stairs...glad that you were there to break my fall if not I would had substain more serious injuries ba. Juz so thankful that you was there to go thru that difficult day with me.
What I will always rem is the boozing days @ Gossip, Caesar & Paulaner, tepanyaki meal @ bugis, cable car ride to Sentosa & the musical fountain, me helping you to move ur stuff to ur new place, countless movie session.
Memories that are so fond..that are very alive in me.
I used to wonder why we couldn't get together after so long, after so much, but I juz couldn't get an answer.
When you want us to be together, I was uncertain, but when I made up my mind, you pushed me away....& the cycle went on for 2 yrs.
What I can say now is that, after going through this ups & down together, we know that this friendship built up is so precious & valuable that we juz dun wanna risk it by going into a relationship.
Though sometimes it will ache, but Im juz glad that things are kept the way it is now.
Juz so thankful that you are always there for me, sometimes even without me knowing, but you always stay on by my side...like what you called yourself, my shadow.
Juz wanna apologise that I had took up so much of ur time but can't give anything in return. But this time you can concentrate on building ur career without having to worry about me coz like what u said, I have grown up, I know what I want with my life already, I know how to take good care of myself & I had also meet a very nice guy-->Chris who will take good care of me. Pls dun let me hold you back in ur plans, if not I will feel more guilty.
I sincerely hope that you will be successful in building a new career path in msia, so that the next time I see you, you are already a 'Big Towkay" & can drive me around in Mercedes or BMW...hee hee....
I am already missing ur presence in my life..juz wanna let u know that you always hold a special place in my heart..so if you ever need someone, Im always there for you, no matter the miles between us.
Jia You oh...my guiding star....
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ScRawLeD by :: EvAnGeLiNe ::
@10:29 PM
