Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Haven't been blogging very regularly lately, there is so much inside me which I wanna pen down, but sometimes I juz can't find the right words to express it out, otherwise I'm just plain lazy....
Looking back @ this semester....I should say plenty had happened....
Started a new relationship...new things to learn,things that I got to accustomed to, change of lifestyle...blah blah....
Things were not so smooth-sailing in the beginning, being hurt by his past, my past & a bitch..but guess I did overcome it.
All these may not be healthy for a new, growing relationship but by the grace of Jesus we were deliver from this darkness & growing stronger as the days goes.
Really thank the Lord for blessing Chris into my life.
Dear you have really been a great support to my life for the past few months, in my social life, in my christian walk and school life. Being pamper by you, being love by you, being care by you....U simply light up my life.....Other than saying "Thank You" & devoting myself to love you, I guess there is nothing else I could do.
Juz the beginning of this semester, can I say I had lost a good fren?
I really dun know how things turn out to this state...we juz stop contacting each other, stop going bs & sunday svc together, stop toking in sch....
I missed her presence in my life....missed catching-up with her over meals....
Guess it's my fault, being indecisve, not handling matters well enough
But I did try to sms her, apologise her & msn her....Juz nv recif any reply fm her...
Hurt & tired of trying too hard for now....
I juz wanna tell her, regardless if she ever forgive me...."I'm Sorry, Cheryl. Miss U!"
Gained financial independant...if u know what I mean....It means having to settle all my bills by myself now, after ending the previous relationship...
Maybe I shouldn't had rely too much on him in the past..but anyway...
Really feel so bogged down by all the bills that come in every month
Had been working on-off tis semester, but with the horrendous project work load, it doesn't leave me much time anyway...
The peanuts I recif isn't enough for all this at all.....
Arghhhh...when will I clear those debts?????
I wonder why do I always experience some problems with friends?
Am I too sensitive? Think too much? Or I really do got attitude problem that I dun find favours in friendship?
I do not want to try too hard in pleasing everyone, but I juz want someone to be brutually honest to me & smack the truth to my face & tell me WHAT THE HELL IS THE PROBLEM?
Hate the feeling of being left out...But am I really left out or I just refuse to join in?
If ppl do not like me, I rather they tell that straight to me, than pretend to be friendly to me....Coz it juz keeps me guessing all the time..& all this guessing is driving me nuts.
Juz what is wrong? I really wanna know the answer...Why I can't I do a better job in understanding myself to spare myself all this misery.
Never have I had close good frens..& never will I have one....coz I juz sux in handling any relationship.
Old frens like William had often said that I had mature & grown to be a happier person....Yes its true...but the old me is still inside...inferior complexity, pessimestic....
Gosh....been pinning so much inside me recently....tired of putting up a strong front...
I may put up a sbc attitude all the time, but in fact I'm tearing into pieces inside me..... Everything really matters to me...
Juz feel like giving up everything now....wanna run away...contemplating with the idea of quitting school....
Suddenly I feel that I'm back to square one again....In 2003, I decided to break away frm work, friends & other issues by going to study as I wanna a clean break from that past.....& today I too wanna have a break from everything assoicated with my school life....Juz wanna get away from it....Otherwise, I can't wait to graduate, so that I can disappear from the face of that world...
The only thing I can do now is drown myself with vodka.......drown...drown...drown
Lord, I know there is nothing I can do with all this, it's all not within my control, the more I try, the more I fail...& the last thing I can do now is pray & cast all this to you....but Lord if you hear my prayer....can you just take me away from this world & bring me back to my Father's home? Coz this willl definately solve every single problem, as the root problem will be removed...
The root problem is me, my thots, my personality, my views & my attitude......
I'm tired.....
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ScRawLeD by :: EvAnGeLiNe ::
@9:25 PM